I've been with my husband for 23 years, married for 14. I love my husband and our life together. I truly feel that he loves me unconditionally, which is awesome and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. However, like most long-term partnerships, our relationship now comes with responsibilities and a never ending “to-do” list. Currently on the list, for example, we need to replace our roof, plan Thanksgiving dinner, determine how much money we have left in our health care reimbursement before the end of the year, and take the cat to the vet—and the list goes on. I am continually reminded of a chapter in Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and It’s all Small Stuff by Richard Carlson entitled “Remind yourself that when you die, your ‘in-basket’ won’t be empty”. I read this book over a decade ago yet this chapter still stays with me. We can’t (always) let the overflowing inbox be an excuse not to do something fun with our loved one!
So, how do we keep the spark alive and have that "in love" feeling again? One thing I observed this week from spending time with two friends newly “in love” and their significant others is that they seemed to be in constant physical connection with one another. They were holding hands at the dinner table, walking with their arms around each other, and kissing each other. Can you remember when you were the same way? Personally, I have never been one who feels entirely comfortable with public displays of affection, but I think this could be a place to start to reconnect in our relationships.
In fact, many health advocates believe that in the U.S. we have touch deprivation so it would probably serve us well to physically connect more with others in general. One study looked at sets of American, French, and Puerto Rican friends having coffee together. Over the course of an hour, U.S. friends touched each other on average only twice an hour, whereas French friends touched 110 times, and Puerto Rican friends touched 180 times! Recent research shows that lack of touch can lead to decreased emotional health, reduced intellectual ability, and a weakened immune system—touch can affect our health! This week, try to hold hands more with your partner, give him (or her) a hug unexpectedly, and kiss them every morning and night.
It is also important to make time for each other. I know it is hard with all of the demands on our time—work, children, friends, etc. However, our relationships are worth leaving the “to-do” list undone periodically. Think about what you loved to do together when you first met. My husband and I loved to play pinball together with him operating the left flipper and me at the right. What was it for you? Was it a hike and a picnic, trying out a new recipe cooking together, or exploring a nearby town? You don't even have to go anywhere. You can enjoy your own backyard or sit by the fire in your house, as long as you are doing nothing but being together.
Whatever phase you are in with a relationship (or none at all), appreciate it for where it is. Every stage has its highlights and its lowlights. If you are not currently in a relationship, enjoy your time alone doing things for yourself. If you are in a new relationship with that “in love” feeling, savor and appreciate every minute. But, don’t be too sad as that feeling diminishes because it can turn into a much deeper and truer love that you wouldn’t trade for anything. If you are in a long-term relationship like I am, be grateful for the comfort of long-lasting love—and maybe try to recapture that “in love” feeling by trying some of the ideas above.
This week I will find a place to play pinball with my husband for a date night. I will also make an effort to be more physically connected with him, whether it is touching feet under the dinner table, putting my arm around him at a dinner party, or holding his hand as we holiday shop. What steps will you take to get that "in love" feeling again?
Lifelong partners—Adelie penguins, Antarctica 2003