One of the best things you can do for your relationships is to identify your triggers. A trigger is an unresolved issue from your past that continues to resurface throughout your life. Think of times in your relationships when you overreacted to a situation—where the reaction you had was way bigger than was warranted for the actual event. In this instance, there was likely a trigger involved.

Let me give you a recent example of one of my triggers to help explain the power of these unresolved issues. Last weekend I woke up to find my husband gone from the house. The previous evening we had talked about possibly going to a morning gym class. I woke up at 8:53 and the class was at 9am. I was in total disbelief that my husband would have gone without waking me up to see if I had wanted to go. I was seething. I flew out of bed and made it to the gym by 9:10am. There wasn't a lot of time to discuss the issue during the class but he could tell I had steam coming out of my ears.

After class, my husband truly had no idea why I was so upset. He said he had tried to wake me but I did not budge. So, he left. For him, it was as simple as that. For me, it was much more complicated. How hard did he really try? If he had really wanted to wake me, I'm pretty sure he could have. How could he abandon me? Ah... the trigger. Abandonment.

Hi, my name is Dina and I have abandonment issues. My parents divorced when I was three years old. Although both of my parents were active in my life, I suppose I still felt abandoned because I did not have the traditional family unit that all of my friends had. For years, I desperately wanted (secretly hoped) for my parents to get back together. When I was 12 years old, my sister went to go live with my dad. Perhaps this was another sense of abandonment? And when I was 15, my dad and stepmother, who had been a big part of my childhood, divorced. Abandoned again.

I don't think about being abandoned in my daily life today. After all, these events happened decades ago. I have a great relationship with my parents who have always been a significant part of my life and who I know love me very much. I have a "new" (10 years and counting) loving and nurturing stepmom in my life. And, I am married to a husband who I know will never abandon me. However, none of this seems to matter when I wake up one Sunday morning to an empty house and, just like that, I am a three year old child feeling abandoned again. My reaction to my husband going to the gym without me was really quite ridiculous. It's pretty easy for me to see this now. However, in the moment, it felt entirely valid and I was truly angry.

What is your trigger? Is it feeling abandoned? Deprived? Vulnerable? Someone with an abandonment trigger feels that people can’t be relied on to be around when they need them. They might react by avoiding close relationships, being clingy, or repeatedly accusing people close to them of being unavailable. They may find ways to drive normally reliable people off, thus making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone with a deprivation trigger can feel like things are never enough and so they turn off others with their constant demands. They may choose relationships with people who aren’t capable of giving care or support. Someone with a vulnerability trigger has an exaggerated fear that some catastrophe is about to strike. They may be overly conscientious to ensure a feeling of safety. I have only mentioned a few of the triggers here, but there are others. For more information on triggers, check out Tara Bennett-Goleman's Emotional Alchemy.

Emotions have power, but it is up to us whether that power is positive or negative. It is when we are not in touch with our emotions that we react. In this case, the emotions have the power and we have vanished. We are no longer present. In the moment, we can feel like we have no control over what we say or do. The trigger leads the way. In my case, my reaction toward my husband had nothing to do with him. However without this awareness (preferably before the reaction, but after is better than nothing), my relationship could certainly have been affected. By not owning up to our triggers, we bring our past baggage to our current relationships. This really isn't fair to our new relationships.

So, what can we do about our triggers? The best thing to do is to try to sit with the emotion as you are feeling it. Take a few breaths and really feel the emotion. Try to identify where in your body you are feeling the emotion. What is coming up for you? Why are you reacting so strongly? If I had given myself a moment before flying out of bed to really think about what I was feeling and why I was feeling it, I may have been able to understand that I was being triggered. I didn't do this. Instead, I reacted. Awareness is a great first step toward not being trigger happy. The more we can be aware of our triggers, the less likely they are to repeat over and over again throughout our lives—and the healthier our relationships can be.

Next time you are overreacting to a situation, try to take a moment and think about whether you are being triggered. Can you be aware of the emotion instead of letting it take hold of you?

Are you on the trendy diet? If you were alive in the 1860s, being on the trendy diet would mean you wouldn’t be eating carbs. If you were alive in the 1980s, you would be eating carbs. And, if you were alive in the early 2000s, you wouldn’t be eating them again. Carbs are bad, carbs are good, and carbs are bad. The same fate was shared by fat. It was good, then it was bad, and now it is good again (the good fats). Soy too. Soy was a nutrition darling for a while and then it got blacklisted. In the current day, wheat seems to be the latest nutrition enemy.

Gary Taubes in Good Calories, Bad Calories gives a detailed historical account of the diet phenomenon, underscoring the fickleness of it all. The first popular diet craze came in 1863 when William Banting, an obese man who tried a diet mostly of protein, wrote a 16 page document describing how he lost weight. He avoided foods that had sugar or starch and subsequently lost 50 pounds. This led to the first diet frenzy—carbs are bad, fat is good.

"All food which is not flesh—all food rich in carbon and hydrogen—must have a tendency to produce fat. Carnivores are never fat; herbivores, living exclusively on plants, often are. The hippopotamus, for example, so uncouth in form from its immense amount of fat, feeds wholly upon vegetable matter—rice, millet, and sugar-cane." -- Dancel, physician, mid 1800s

Carbs as the enemy lasted for over a century. And then, in 1985, the tide began to change. At this point, carbs became heart-healthy food. We were told that it was now the butter rather than the bread that was the enemy. In the 1980s, the American Heart Association identified dietary fat as a probable cause of heart disease. Low fat diets were now being advocated as the means of prevention. The U.S. Department of Agriculture's Food Guide Pyramid at this time recommended eating six to eleven servings per day of pasta, potatoes, rice, and bread. Fats and oils were to be eaten sparingly. The no-fat craze was born and suddenly carbs are good, fat is bad. No-fat items still line the shelves of supermarkets today. Never mind that the no-fat foods are typically stripped of their nutrients and thus not healthful foods.

"We need to eat more carbohydrates. Not only is eating pasta at the height of fashion...It can help you lose weight." Brody, food author, 1985

"Americans ate too much of everything—particularly fat—because we can afford to, and because we could not or would not say no. Since fat contains more than twice as many calories per gram as either protein or carbohydrates, people who cut down on fat usually lose weight." Washington Post, 1985

In the early 2000s, diets such as The Zone and Atkins became widely popular. These diets returned us to the trend that fat is good, (simple) carbs are bad.

And then there was soy. Soy was good, then it was bad. For a while, soy was the end-all, be-all—especially as a benefit for breast cancer prevention. People were loading up on tofu and edamame. A few years later, we were cautioned that too much soy could, in fact, be harmful. Women concerned about breast cancer were told to eat soy in moderation.

These examples point out that the changing tide of nutrition is the reality of our culture. New "research" comes to light, suggesting new ideas which become the latest craze. Product companies make their money jumping on the latest bandwagon and fueling the (our) frenzy.

So here we are in 2011 and the latest enemy appears to be wheat. Supermarket shelves are now lined with gluten-free foods. Restaurants are promoting their wheat-free items. It is important to remember that just because a food is “gluten-free” does not mean it is a healthy food (just like we saw with the no-fat craze). Many gluten-free products are made of refined carbs and added fats. They also typically lack key nutrients and fiber that are found in their fortified wheat counterparts.

So, why is wheat getting a bad rap? Wheat in the U.S. tends to be overly processed and stripped of its nutrients. Some believe it can be inflammatory because we are not built to digest it. Proponents of the Paleo diet point out that our ancestors did not eat wheat.

Many people are now scared to eat wheat. Some people certainly should not be eating wheat. If you have been diagnosed with celiac disease, you should absolutely be avoiding wheat. Celiac disease is an autoimmune disease in which a person can’t tolerate gluten, a protein found in spelt, wheat, rye, and barley. Celiac disease can be diagnosed with genetic testing. Even if you do not have the celiac gene, you may still be sensitive to wheat. Those that are gluten-sensitive may experience symptoms of gastrointestinal distress, skin irritations, difficulty breathing during exercise, fatigue, and headaches from eating wheat. The best way to know if you are gluten-sensitive is to avoid eating wheat and see if you feel better.

I think we can all benefit from reducing wheat in our diet because it is so prevalent. Most people know that wheat is found in bread and pasta, but it can also be found in deli meats, salad dressings, beer, condiments, soy sauce, and energy bars. To reduce my consumption of wheat, I have substituted my morning wheat toast with gluten-free bread. I most often choose brown rice and quinoa over wheat bread and pasta. And, I look to get my fiber from fruits and vegetables rather than from whole grains. But, I love wheat (particularly in the form of fresh baked bread and New York pizza) and I have no plans to cut it out of my diet entirely. I've tried going without, and I feel fine. And when I eat it, I feel fine. I don't have celiac disease and I don't have gluten-sensitivity. If I did, I would cut out wheat from my diet entirely.

The bottom line is, rather than following the trendy diet, how about just eating the variety of foods in moderation—whether it be carbs, fat, soy, wheat, or the next blacklisted food. If you follow the healthy eating tips at Eat This Way, you won't have to worry about the latest fad in nutrition.

I plan to do my own research and make my own decisions about what I should eat. How about you?

For the first four decades of my life, I feel like I have been searching—searching for my purpose, my passion, my flow. I saw a greeting card a while ago that had the quote, "Not all who wander are lost" by J.R.R. Tolkien. I bought the card and hung it on the board by my desk. It made me feel better that just because I was wandering did not mean I was lost. Despite the nice sentiment, I felt lost.

I have looked into countless careers in my 40+ years, including event planner, franchise owner, therapist, entrepreneur, photographer, private detective, CIA agent, and geriatric counselor. This does not even include my actual jobs as a marketing and strategy consultant for high-tech companies and my time as the development director for an animal rescue foundation. I have taken numerous tests to figure out my "type" to help guide me. I'm a Myers-Briggs ISTJ and an Enneagram 1. Okay, now what? I've seen a career coach and a life coach. I've read books and I've written in journals. I've identified what I like, what my strengths are, and what conditions I want. Still, I wandered.

I came across a quote by Confucius the other day that resonated with me. It said, "If we do not change our direction, we will end up where we are headed." Yes, exactly. Four years ago, I changed my direction. It came about when my husband told me to stop talking (about all the things I could be doing, learning, exploring) and start doing. I left the corporate world and found my way to another masters program—this time studying Holistic Health Education. I often think, "If my B-School cronies could see me now!" It's certainly not where I thought I would be, but I know it's where I want to/need to be. I absolutely believe in Four Quadrant Living as a way to whole health. I believe that our health is in our hands and I am passionate about helping others live a happy, healthy, and harmonious life.

In the exploration of seeking my passion and purpose, I would often read about finding the flow. The flow is a powerful state of being where life seems to be moving effortlessly. You feel relaxed and present. You feel completely absorbed by the task at hand. Hours go by without recognition—often filled with high creativity and productivity. Think about times when you experience this feeling. It could be when you are engaging in sports, playing a musical instrument, talking with a friend, putting together a scrapbook, gardening, or doing a certain project at work.

This past year, I have finally found my flow. I am a writer. It all makes sense. All of the pieces of the puzzle now fit. Hours pass by when I am writing. I become completely absorbed with typing the words on the page, placing them exactly where I want them to convey my message. At first, I talked myself out of pursuing the writing path because I knew it was a difficult road. But then I came across a quote from an artist named Faith Ringgold in O, The Oprah Magazine. She says, "Back when I was starting out, someone at a party asked me what I did, and I said, 'I'm an artist.' And a friend of mine said, 'Faith, would you please stop telling people you're an artist? You're not an artist. You're an art teacher.' I thought: That's interesting that she thinks she can tell me who I am. I'm the one who determines when I'm an artist. And that's right here, right now." Faith Ringgold is an artist. I am a writer. What are you?

I have found my flow, my passion, my purpose. I'm still happy to call myself a wanderer, but I no longer feel lost. Are you living in your flow? If not, I encourage you to change your direction. Now. Life is short. It doesn't mean you have to quit your job or change careers, but think about if there are ways that you can incorporate flow into your life more.

If you do not change your direction now, you will end up where you are headed. Is that where you want to go? 

Writing in 2008 before I knew I wanted to be a writer.

The Relationships quadrant is not only about our relationships with our loved ones, but also about our relationships with our community and the world. There is no doubt that our community health affects our individual health and our collective individual health affects our community health. I read a story in Runner’s World magazine a couple of years ago that inspires me to this day. It is a great example of how one individual can impact many and how many individuals can impact one.

Anne Mahlum, in the February 2009 issue of Runner’s World talks about how she would run by a homeless shelter every day in her hometown of Philadelphia and see the men outside on the corner. The homeless men would shout out to her, calling her “Crazy Runner Girl”. One morning she wondered why she was the runner and they were the homeless. She thought, “Why can't we all just be runners?” From this question, she started Back on My Feet (BOMF), encouraging the homeless men to join her in training for a half marathon. The program grew from there.

Starting just a few years ago in July 2007, the organization is now operating in three additional cities. There are 196 members who have completed a competitive race, 41 who have completed a half marathon, and six who have completed a full marathon. BOMF is more than about encouraging homeless men to run. It’s about promoting self-sufficiency by engaging these individuals in running as a means to build confidence, strength, and self-esteem. In the three-and-a-half years of operation, 41 members have obtained housing, 78 have secured jobs, and 52 have enrolled in job training programs—all of this from one woman’s thought while out on a run. BOMF uses sport to create social change. Mahlum says, “There are so many differences between all of us, but running reminds us just how similar we are. When we run, there is no separation between race, gender, age or socioeconomic status.”

What I love about this example is that it is integral, encompassing all four quadrants. This is probably what gives it such power. The Body quadrant is involved by encouraging the men to run, promoting physical health. The Mind quadrant is represented by building up the self-confidence and self-esteem of these men, boosting their mental health. The Relationships quadrant is nurtured by the team atmosphere and the community involvement (there are now over 600 volunteers). The Environment quadrant is in play because the men are exposed to social systems that support and nurture them rather than ignore and degrade them.

Anne Mahlum was just a crazy runner girl who decided to make a difference. Through her actions, she promoted health for individuals and for her community. I share this story with you because I think of it often. Recently in my neighborhood there was a group home for juvenile kids on probation. My neighbors were not happy about it. They rallied and spoke at a city meeting to try to get the home removed. I tried to explain to my neighbors that perhaps instead of chasing the kids out, we could welcome them into the community. I even thought about creating a running program for them, similar to BOMF. I was met with a lot of resistance. The group home has since been moved out of my community. In this instance, I did not act to make my community a better place. I let fear and opposition prevent me from action. I hope next time the opportunity presents itself, I step up to the plate and make a difference in my community. In a way, it is an act in my own best interest since my community health affects my own health.

Grassroots efforts can (and do!) make a difference. Will you step up when the opportunity presents itself to make your community (and the world) a healthier and better place?


Anne Mahlum with Back on My Feet Participants

A couple of weeks ago, I came across the term "Green Exercise" in a magazine. How clever, I thought. I had never heard that term before. Was that really a recognized phrase? I Googled it out of curiosity and lo' and behold, a lot of articles popped up. I thought it might be a good topic for a blog in the Environment quadrant of the Four Quadrant Living website, so I filed the idea away for the coming weeks. Coincidentally, a week later, I was contacted by a publisher of a local magazine asking me to write an article about being active in the natural settings of the San Francisco East Bay, focusing on why being outdoors is so important for mind, body, and spirit. I now had a title and focus for my article, "Green Exercise - Good for the Sole and Soul".

So, what is green exercise? Green exercise is defined as any physical activity done in the presence of nature, such as walking, biking, hiking, running, and gardening. We know that exercise is good for our body and being in nature is good for our mind. Combine the two—Green Exercise—and you have an activity that is good for our body and mind. And sometimes it even creates a majestic experience that nourishes our spirit. My friend Janet who loves to run the local trails with her dog Chloe describes it like this: "I never feel as one with the universe as I do on the trails. That's where I align with my power. That's where I find meditation."

Writing about green exercise is perfect for this week's blog because of the amazing weather we are having right now in Northern California in the dead of winter. It's time to take advantage of the sun and head outside. Today I went for a walk. For the first half of the walk, I was listening to my iPod. On the way back, I decided to unplug and just appreciate the beautiful day. Suddenly my entire experience shifted. I was unquestionably more connected to what was going on around me. When I was listening to my tunes, I was completely self-involved (and undeniably enjoying myself), but when I took my headsets off, I was instantly part of the environment. I could hear the birds chirping, sounding as joyful as I felt with the sunny weather. I sensed the presence of the other happy people and their dogs enjoying the day. Others had gone virtually unnoticed when I was plugged in. Green Exercise is clearly a four quadrant activity—one that nourishes the body and mind and connects us to others (relationships) and the environment.

Next time you’re are debating between the gym or the neighborhood, choose the latter. Even if the cold chill returns, just bundle up a bit more and head outside. The pay-off is worth it. Notice the sights, sounds, and smells around you. Do you hear the laughter of kids playing in the distance? Do you see the beautiful cloud formation in the sky? How does the earth feel beneath your feet? How does the rain, snow, or wind feel on your face? If you bring your faithful four-legged companion along, be present and let him lead the way. We can all take a lesson from dogs on how to truly enjoy a walk outdoors! Stop and smell when the urge strikes, wander when you want, and run at high speeds at will.

What Green Exercise will you do this week and how will it nourish your sole and soul?


You never know what you will find along your way during
Green Exercise such as a seal on the beach, Hawaii 2011.